May 2013
9 posts
The Macbeth Effect
There I sat nervously awaiting my turn to recite a soliloquy from William Shakespeare’s “Macbeth,” in Mr. Scoblete’s 10th grade English class. As each student stood up individually and gave a flawless recital, my heart raced and the goose bumps on my arms hardened. As a shy kid, the thought of standing up in front of an entire class was mortifying, especially since nobody had screwed up yet. ...
Attention Please
It has always been my belief that attention and praise should be earned, not solicited. For instance, Chesley Sullenberger, the heroic pilot who miraculously landed a plane in the Hudson River, saving all 155 people on board deserves all the attention and praise in the world. Conversely, Charles Ramsey, the now famous man who claimed to rescue Amanda Berry, turned out to not be all that he...
The Negative Defines You
Go into any gym across the country and you will see the majority of men and women lifting free weights or some Cyborg machine with loose form and zero focus. They’ll maneuver the weight from point A to point B and think that they’re stimulating the muscle. What they don’t know is that the negative portion of the movement is what builds and defines the muscle. As a reference, the “negative” is...
Cutting Corners with Chris Christie
If you want to be president, you cannot be obese. At least, that’s what Chris Christie believes given his recent lap-band surgery that has helped him lose nearly 40 pounds since he underwent the operation the weekend just before President’s Day. Following the likes of Roseanne Barr and Rex Ryan, Chris Christie had the inflated silicone band placed around the top portion of his stomach to slow...
Stop Whining, Nobody Cares!
This morning I walked into the gym to train my clients when one of my trainer friends said “Andrew, stop whining, you’re a grown man.” He was speaking in reference to yesterday’s blog in which I bitched and moaned about not being able to find the right woman. It was the cliché blog that I usually make fun of where the Carrie Bradshaw wannabes spew their verbal diarrhea on a screen for all to...
The X Factor Workout
If you want to look like a superhero, you must develop your X Factor. Andrew, what the fuck are you talking about? Okay, if you draw a line from each shoulder to the opposite foot, you have an X. The wider the X, the more you look like Superman, got it? Okay, so there’s three muscles that create this illusion: the side delts, abs, and outer quads. Here are the exercises that will enhance...
In Search of Alpha
In the 11 years I have lived in NYC, I have dated, married, divorced, even fostered women along the way. Find me a tortured soul with no job or apartment and I will take her in like a wounded bird and nurse her back to health. Then I will turn her over to the next guy and wish her the very best. Five years later, I’ll see her walking down the street with her husband pushing a stroller and I’ll...
Reliably Unreliable
Flakiness and selfishness are often intertwined. A flaky person is selfish, but a selfish person is not necessarily flaky. They may very well be flaky, but it’s not a prerequisite for selfishness. When a person becomes reliably unreliable, all desire to see them is lost. Making plans with them becomes silly, because by the time “game day” arrives, they are going to cancel and waste more of...
Coffee Be Thy Name
Is coffee a friend or a foe? I say friend. I say best friend. I say friend who helps you move. And 108 million Americans agree with me. The soothing aroma, taste, and caffeine spike was first enjoyed in the mid 15th century by the Sufis in Yemen and is still worshipped to this day. And it’s good for you! Now, this may sound biased and that’s because it is. Personally, I like a little bias in...
April 2013
7 posts
The Beach Crash Course
The last week of April is when New Yorkers come out of their 6 month hibernation and begin their two month crash course to prepare for the beach. Whether the bikini is being worn in the Hamptons, Jersey Shore, or Fire Island is of no consequence. The women workout two hours a day, cleanse, tan, lighten their hair, and starve themselves. The men take steroids, diuretics, and growth hormone and...
One for the Road
When a guy asks a woman out for a drink, what he’s really saying is “Will you seriously consider sleeping with me?” Sometimes the answer is “yes” and we savor those moments, even re-live them on cold, lonely nights. Of course, most women will make a guy wait three, four, five, even six dates to have sex with her. And that’s because she wants to get to know the guy first. The thing is, she’s...
The Third Eye
If the “third eye” was real, it would be on the back of your head, not up above the other two. Forget all the chakras, auras, and precognition. Forget about enlightenment and yogic flying. Clairvoyance exists when you can look ahead and watch your back at the same time. An eye on the forehead would just annoy the shit out of the other two eyes.
Cats have night vision, horses have eyes on...
Verbiage and Delusion
In the Joan Rivers documentary “A Piece of Work,” there is a scene in which Joan tells her daughter Melissa, “When you’re an actress, every day of your life, you’re mud!” The constant rejection, subjectivity, and knowledge that there is always someone younger and more attractive than you with a target on your back can lead anyone into a tailspin. Even the thickest skin will not protect you from...
Phone Addicts Anonymous
A few nights ago, I went for sushi with my friend “Crazy Danny,” and he pointed out all of the people eating alone. He said “They don’t need friends, they have phones. And their phones connect them to hundreds, even thousands of friends.” Then I dropped a spicy salmon roll on the floor and he said “Come on, man! You big and you dumb! You can’t even use chopsticks! And you a Jew!” Crazy Danny was...
The Sexy Summer Workout
Guys, do you want look amazing on the beach in your thong? Ladies, do you want to feel so sexy in your bikini, you go topless. If the answer to either of those questions is yes, it’s time to get in the gym and blast! For men, that means chest, arms, and abs. For women, it’s all about your ass and stomach.
Women
Yes, Beyonce has a great ass and yes, Beyonce does lunges. That’s because...
Tone Deaf
Phone calls are annoying and obtrusive, while text messages are convenient and lack tone. And when dating, that means an over-analysis of every syllable, smiley face, and punctuation mark. Of course, a 5 second phone call would answer all questions. If she sounds bored and apathetic, she doesn’t like you. If she speaks with love and verve, she wants you. Unfortunately with text messages,...
March 2013
15 posts
The Superhero Workout
As a personal trainer, I’m in the superhero business. If you don’t look the part, nobody is going to train with you. At least, not for long. Jillian Michaels, Jackie Warner, and Body by Jake are all superheroes because they possess sculpted side delts and six packs abs. Yes, that’s all it takes.
In 2010, I was called to audition for the role of “Conan the...
How to be a Mensch
If I had a dollar for every time that somebody told me I was a “mensch,” I could buy so many gifts for so many different people. The label “mensch” used to bother me until I learned what it actually meant. Though “mensch” sounds like some quirky mental illness, it means a nice person. Ever since I left “the house of horrors” to go away to college, I have grown closer to menschdom. According...
Beach Balls in Cubicles
In offices across America, more and more workers are sitting behind their desk on a stability ball. Personally, if I walked into my lawyer’s office and saw him sitting on a blue beach ball typing emails, I would fire him on the spot. I don’t care if he graduated from Harvard Law School, is undefeated in court, and holds the state record in the pole vault. He’s history.
With no armrest, back...
The Wedding Bill
A wedding invitation is a bill, but instead of Verizon, it’s from Schwartzman. And you can pay it by mail or deliver the payment by hand. Depending on how close you are to the bride and groom, a wedding bill will typically run you one to two hundred dollars.
When itemizing, factor in weddings each month, and then budget accordingly. And location weddings are out of the question, unless of...
Debbie Does Yoga
Sadomasochism runs in my family which is why my sister, Debbie, signed up for the Bikram Yoga 30 Day Challenge. In 105 degrees, devoted yogis attempt to complete 30 classes in 30 days. Debbie is now going on Day 12 and looks and feels great. Since beginning bikram yoga two months ago, she has lost 15 pounds and is motivated to continue on and improve her fitness level.
My sister has always...
The Leg Workout From Hell
Once a week, I wake-up happy, rested, and motivated to workout. This is called Sunday, and for the average American, it entails bacon, eggs, and cheese, and some heavy drinking. When I entered the gym, I had an appetite for destruction and no plan whatsoever. With twenty years of training under my belt, I often put the Weider “Instinctive Training Principle” to work. In other...
The Almighty Core
Every ten seconds, I hear another trainer in the gym instructing their client “Come on, Sally! Focus on your core! Feel that core! It’s all about the core! Remember Sally, love is the core and the core is love.” After vomiting several times on the gym floor, I cleaned up my mess and continued on with my client.
The core is your ninja turtle shell. In other words, if we chopped off...
Religion, Politics, and Hookers
Back in 2005, I set up a work colleague with a gorgeous, smart, kind-hearted woman who was excited to meet him. During their date, Hillary Clinton’s name came up. My friend commented, “I don’t think a woman should ever be president.” With that one sentence, the ball was dropped, the date was over. He may as well have chopped off his penis, cause he definitely wouldn’t be needing it.
Some...
Fish Eyes, Chicken Wings, and Sirloin Souls
As a personal trainer, I work closely with yoga and pilates instructors. In other words, I work with vegans. Some of them call themselves “life coaches,” while others remain residents here on Earth.
I have heard numerous reasons why people claim to refrain from eating beef, chicken, fish, or swine. This morning a vegan told me “I don’t eat anything with eyes.” Fascinated by her deep logic...
Hail to the Stepmill
Some like it hard and fast, while others prefer it slow and steady. Some like it hot and moist, while others prefer it clean and barren. Yes, when it comes to cardio, some machines are better than others, and a few are just a complete waste of time. Here are my Top Ten Cardio Machines going from most effective to the biggest piece of shit.
Top Ten Cardio Machines
1) Stepmill
2) Treadmill
3)...
Changing of the Guard
Every obnoxious 23 year old has that moment in which they realize that they are older than the athletes on television. Immediately, they go into a panic and root against every player that is their minor. These days, I turn on the TV and see the gifted spawn of players that I grew up watching, such as Stephen Curry, Tim Hardaway Jr., and Patrick Ewing Jr. Their fathers can usually be spotted...
The CrossFit Cult
This may ruffle some feathers, but remember, they are only feathers. CrossFit is stupid. CrossFit is dangerous. CrossFit is an orthopedic surgeon’s wet dream. Twenty minutes of the most physically taxing exercises on your lower back. I’m talking deadlifts, air squats, burpees, sumo high pulls, kettebell swings, cleans, and thrusters. In other words, two slipped discs, a torn ACL, and a...
Butter Wars
In this fat-free, gluten-free, sugar-free culture, we remain the fattest country in the world and are growing larger by the minute. Rather than exercise three days a week for 30 minutes, people turn to extreme diets that leave them symptoms of deprivation. They replace ice cream with frozen yogurt, sushi with brown rice sushi, and most disturbing of all, peanut butter with almond butter.
The...
Vein of Desire
A few days ago, a male client of mine told me he wanted “that vein.” I asked “What vein?” He said, “You know, that vein,” and pointed to my right bicep. I quickly realized he was talking about “that vein” that runs from your deltoid down through your bicep and into your forearm. It is known as the cephalic vein and makes your arms look really good in t-shirts. For muscles to appear...
Beer Soaked Bliss
Last Tuesday, in front of a packed house at Carolines on Broadway, Paul Goncalves, Mike Sgroi, Lauren Chicklo, and I brought our very best to the stage and had a great show. Besides comics, we are all friends, and this would come in handy as the night progressed.
Now, I have always liked the name Paul. It’s biblical, musical, and even comical. More importantly, I have three good friends named...
February 2013
5 posts
In the Trenches
After taking a redeye and going straight to the gym at 6am to train three clients, I am wired yet exhausted, drained yet reinvigorated. I have spent the last four days in LA writing with my partner in crime. Jerry Seinfeld had Larry David, Chris Rock has Louis CK, and I have a guy named Paul. Paul is a cowboy, novelist, and the one of the brightest, funniest people I’ve ever met.
Together,...
Entrepreneur or Unemployed
Lately, it feels like there are more entrepreneurs in this world than there are people. Every day, I meet yet another entrepreneur with pipe dreams and delusions of grandeur. After all, “entrepreneur” sounds sophisticated, innovative, and visionary. Unfortunately, the Steve Jobs’, Nikola Tesla’s, and Mark Zuckerberg’s are few and far between. Much like the profession of actor, singer, and model,...
Maybe Means No
When you ask someone a question and they say “maybe,” they’re not answering honestly. Maybe doesn’t mean maybe, maybe means no. It’s actually worse than no! It means “No, and I’m too much of a pussy to tell you.” If we could somehow rid “maybe” from our vernacular, the world would be a better place with far more clarity.
Whether it’s a date, lunch with a friend, or a comedy show, when someone...
Flowers, Chocolates, and Love
On Thursday, men across the country will rush over to their local Bodega after work, and pay 50 dollars for a dozen roses that would have cost 10 dollars the day before. They may combine the flowers with chocolate, and a 5 course price fix dinner that leaves one broke and too full to have sex. Yes, it’s Valentine’s Day!
If you take part in this ritualistic idiocy, choose flowers over...
The Polar Bear Club
If you jog in shorts and a tank top during a blizzard, you deserve countless frost bites, pneumonia, and no health coverage for your ER visit. I don’t care if you’re from Wisconsin, Norway, or hairier than Sasquatch. You do not have fur, claws, or live in the Arctic. You do not weigh a thousand pounds nor do you snack on seals. Finally, you are not an endangered species nor are you...
January 2013
26 posts
Bar Mitzvah Beef
While getting a haircut yesterday, I overheard my neighbor in the next seat over kvetching about how expensive his son’s Bar Mitzvah was turning out to be. “The invitations, the band, the party space, the theme, the menu, the hotels for broke relatives, etc.” The man was short, wore bifocals, had a shaggy beard, and his yarmulke rested on the counter. In other words, your typical Orthodox...
Tapeworms, Sunlight, and Cheese
In the 1920s, people who were overweight were promised immediate fat loss by washing their body with “miracle soap.” A few years later, people ingested tapeworms thinking that the tapeworm would eat away at their excess fat from within their body. Unfortunately, it did not work and the “believers” suffered serious side effects. Then came the “Vibrating Belt” that you wore around your waist and...
Bedroom Eyes for Bosom Buddies
When you break up with someone that you’ve been dating, it’s common to express an interest in a future friendship. Most of the time, this is mere “lip service,” while a select few choose to follow through with the unlikely premise. The majority of couples that break up sever all ties and welcome closure. After all, you don’t like the other person. That’s why you broke up! And if they dumped...
Healthy Culprits and Portly Pitfalls
If you workout and eat like shit, you’ll be fat. If you don’t workout and eat like shit, you’ll also be fat. And if you don’t workout and eat healthy, you’ll be thin. Yes, diet is everything, and since the average person sleeps 7 hours a night, we are left with 17 hours a day to screw up our diets. To add insult to injury, most people eat cleanly up until the last few hours before bedtime,...
Raiders of Seduction
I know women who have a “thing” for married men, and I know men that have an affection for married women. Are they all selfish, sadistic, and mentally ill people? Yes. I believe you have to be to consciously break up a marriage. And if the person cheating has kids, the children will suffer as well. As the movie “Unfaithful” has taught me, somebody always gets hurt. And personally, I don’t need...
A Pound is a Pound
Whoever said “Muscle weighs more than fat,” was either stoned or never got past the 2nd grade. A pound of muscle and a pound of flaccid, flimsy cellulite weigh exactly the same thing. This preposterous claim is the equivalent of saying a “A yard of grass is longer than a yard of sand.” It’s ridiculous and needs to be stricken from our vernacular.
Muscle and fat weigh the same, but they differ...
Top 10 Pre-Workout Movies
1) Rocky
2) The Program
3) Hoosiers
4) 8 Mile
5) Bloodsport
6) The Karate Kid
7) Gung Ho
8) Major League
9) Diggstown
10) Ladybugs
Archaic and Irrelevant
As each generation grows less competent than the one that preceded it, I believe an overhaul in education is in order. Schools still use the same “Tom Sawyer” classroom model and curriculum from 150 years ago. We learn about Ponce de Leon, how to play the recorder, and adobe homes in New Mexico. Though any information is good for the young mind, these subjects do nothing to prepare you for...
The Rastaman Diet
Jews can’t eat bacon, Hindus can’t have steak, and Mormons can’t drink coffee. This is because Jews believe that the pig is dirty, Hindus love cows, and the Mormons are idiots. How are they supposed to have sex with 5 wives without any caffeine? Well, “The Book of Mormon” tells them to listen closely to the heavenly father, rather than be driven by addiction or compulsion....
The Good Criticism
Much like fat, there is “good criticism” and “bad criticism.” The former is constructive, while the latter tears you down. In bodybuilding contests, the judges will tell you to bring up your back, add more sweep to your quads, and develop big, Asian calves. A comedy club owner will tell you to shorten setups and add taglines. Not only are these examples of constructive criticism, they are...
The Ten Second Rule
“The Ten Second Rule,” instructs one to think for ten seconds before speaking. Unfortunately, many of us don’t have ten seconds to spare in between sentences, so we let out mouths run freely, and let the chips fall where they may. Of course, some of us enjoy the sound of our own voice too much to even consider this absurd, time-sensitive notion.
As I have grown older, I have learned to say...
Privacy is Priceless
After watching Jodie Foster’s brilliant acceptance speech last night, I realized how invaluable privacy really is. For that reason, I have always felt that writers are the coolest and luckiest souls on the planet. They can influence millions around the world, without their bodies being pictured and critiqued on the cover of US Weekly. If they get divorced, the NY Post doesn’t report it, and...
Looks Fade, Character Stays
Looks are important, but looks fade. On the other hand, personality and character stay with you until your very last breath. In the end, we all become wrinkled prunes that obsess about our bowel movements and provide the flatulence to prove it. Old women play bridge and mahjong, while the men watch sports. If you’re married, you’ll have dinner with your spouse in silence. And if you’re...
